The FIRST-EVER INVESTIGATION of COMET PING PONG and #PIZZAGATE!

EXCLUSIVE! BREAKING NEWS!

So while our family was in town to protest the Inauguration of Satan, Friday and Saturday, we went to the infamous and lovely Comet Ping Pong.

You know, it’s the place that all the Alt-Right folks say is an underground child sex trafficking, satan worshiping sort of reverse “Underground Railroad.”

Part and parcel of this is the belief that the place as a secret basement where they take kids and move them from local store to local store basement before finally taking them to big child rape parties, hosted by all the Democrat politicians that a 4Chan thread decided to demonize because of not understanding the context of emails released by WikiLeaks (i.e. “map to Comet on your lost handkerchief” is a corny old white person joke explained by the preceding emails about how they keep somehow missing each other, not finding each other for lunch, etc. and need to reschedule).

Well, the first thing that happened when i went to Comet was i looked for a back entrance so i didn’t have to walk around to the front. Sure enough, there was one and the nice black Muslim dude who saw i had a kufi on let me in the back.

There was an armed guard there since the place was shot up by some nutbag with an AR-15 who demanded to see the nonexistent basement (he looked… no basement). She was kind of annoyed that they let me in the back way, but she didn’t give me any grief over it.

So i went all through the back, where folks work even eventually, and i can tell you: there is no basement.

What there is, is a little sub level party room that drops down a few stairs that has a bar and is open to anyone. There’s a stage and it looks like a rather fun place to rent out (which many people do). The back room before it is ping pong tables and foosball with families playing for $0.25 a ball (sorry guys, my kids thought they got to keep them, we can send you a few bucks for the pocketful they kept). The place is a combination between a hipster bar, an eclectic art dive and a family restaurant.

The first night we were there there were Westboro Baptist type folks outside telling us “God hates fags” and similar things. There was a big face off of patrons and locals coming to the defense of this lovely establishment, but the protesters had a megaphone and no desire to reason.

i offered them $1,000 if they could defeat me in a YouTube debate on the Biblical Homophobia which drove their argumentation. They all declined, even the preacher who assured me he “do know Hebrew” when i challenged him on not even knowing what the Bible actually says in its original language… even though he couldn’t understand one thing i said in the language to him.

All in all, the place was so good, foodwise, we went back the next day.

That’s when the trouble began.

After leaving and heading back home, i noticed one of my phones was missing. We used the “Find My iPhone” feature to find it and sure enough it was back at Comet.

So we went back and i told the crew my phone was lost there. They immediately got to work with me looking through the whole place for it. WE LOOKED EVERYWHERE!

Behind the bar, in the kitchen, backrooms, anywhere and everywhere. The place isn’t that damn big, but needless to say, everywhere there is to go there, i went.

There was no motherfucking basement. There was no conspiracy. There was no child anything but fun and games. There was no pedophilia underground. There was NOTHING that the crazy ass homophobic alt-right that targeted the place because it is owned by a homosexual said there would be.

We found the phone, by the way. Never did find that mythical basement.

HELP SPREAD THE WORD!!!